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Thursday, April 4th, 2013

Subject:not broken just bent
Time:11:50 pm.
Anxiety running super high. Nothing will distract my mind tonight. Not ready to close a certain door to my past. My heart still belongs somewhere else; as crazy as that seems. I am going to have to have this conversation soon enough. Let things go to far as it is. Wish I had the carefree mind of a four year old sometimes. No worries, well at least not ones that weigh down so much fear. Tiger home opener tomorrow and I am not even excited bc I put myself in a situation I am not ready for. I want to start over.
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Friday, March 8th, 2013

Subject:When we met, light was shed
Time:11:56 am.
It is Friday. and I am truly thankful. I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend at home with little man. Both of us have had miserable colds all week and we need some downtime.

My new kitchen table arrives tomorrow! My first piece of furniture (aside from my entertainment center and tv) that is actually mine and not a hand me down. I feel so grown up finally at 30. haha. However slowly replacing the furniture in the house to become mine and only mine, not something used by another family memember first.

Plans for the weekend:

Grocery shopping tonight - I have some good meals planned to tryout..including spaghetti squash which I have never tried before.

Kitchen table delivery at an unknown time on Saturday.

Practicing writing letters and numbers with Jacob...The number 2 seems to be an impossible number for him.

Movie madness with popcorn and hot cocoa. Shrek is one of the movies in the line up.

After little man goes to bed Saturday - I plan on having a Dawson's Creek final season marathon and I really can't wait to re-live my childhood vicariously through teen age drama. And induldge myself in some wine.

Sunday will be filled with chores...not that fun but hey it has to be done. Laundry, dusting, vaccuuming, window washing etc...

Next week I have to go to the dentist...cavitity once again. I have a feeling that I might be eating something that I shouldn't...i.e. unknown gluten or I am allergic to yet another food...cavities seem to becoming more frequent.
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Friday, January 25th, 2013

Time:7:36 pm.

Even though it was a short week it was the week from hell. tomorrows plan is grocery shopping and library. dinner with my two bestests. Sunday never ending laundry and working on letters with Jacob.


I try to stay organized. but it doesn't last more than a couple weeks then I feel like I have to start all over.


I won a $200 gift card to dunhums.  looking into buying an excerise bike or treadmill...can't make up my mind. but it will take a good chunk off the credit card bill. I need to get back to working out...running was always a great stress relieved but my foot always ended up bothering me. decisions decisions.


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Saturday, January 19th, 2013

Time:9:55 am.
Three day weekend. Much needed. List of things to do: </p>

clean house
grocery shop
pick up bridesmaid dress
dinner at bath city bistro w/family
baby shower
menu plan for next month

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Monday, January 14th, 2013

Time:8:30 pm.

thyroid problems...test test blood work. just want to feel like me again.


symptoms are so close to anxiety symptoms. difficult to determine if its real or stress related. sigh.


three day busy weekend coming up. a surprise birthday party at bath city bistro with the family. and a baby shower on Sunday.

Thursday, January 10th, 2013

Time:8:12 pm.

crossing fingers the flu doesn't hit our household.

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Monday, January 7th, 2013

Time:8:53 pm.

toothache. one of my fillings fell out today. emergency appointment in the a.m. I hate the dentist..anxiety running high.


work was crazy busy today, but I accomplished so much.

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Saturday, January 5th, 2013

Time:4:08 pm.

I want to take the Christmas tree down.  but have to wait for josh to finish moving out.


looked at two houses this afternoon. I want a big farm house.


soup is in the crockpot. dinner in the crock pot tomorrow. in love with my crockpot this winter.


tonight movie night. tomorrow organizing and cleaning.


then back to a full week of work, where my to due list is growing fast.

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Tuesday, January 1st, 2013

Time:7:21 pm.

the year ended and now has started with arguing with my brother. we never had this issue before. not sure why it is.starting now.


buying furniture from IKEA for my office/craft/art room. super excited and I feel like I might spend all my time in there.


booking Disney trip and buying a new computer. feel a little overwhelmed with all this spending.


house shopping in full force.


had a fantastic time at nye party. laughter was much needed to get me out of my funk. was so nice to reconnect.

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Monday, December 31st, 2012

Time:6:43 am.

Depressed....can't shake this feeling. It's worse at night and very early morning. Restless nights.


So enjoyed being off for almost two weeks...but I think it is time for me to go back...to busy myself with something. To have adult conversion. Not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Hopefully that doesn't make me a bad mom.


2012 is coming to an end. May next year be better. May next year I be better.

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Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

Time:12:57 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Tuesdays, Wednesday, and Thursdays my parents bring Jacob home now for me. I love it. I get to go home right after work and make dinner and relax. I get to spend more time with my favorite little boy. Before it was all rush rush rush...now I feel like I can relax a bit and enjoy.

I was asked to stand up in my best friends wedding. I am super excited. Going bridesmaid dress shopping in two weeks. Last I heard the date was scheduled for next June sometime around Jacob's birthday...

That summer will be busy with the wedding and going to Disney...I need more vacation time! I wish I could carry over my day that I am going to loose this year to next year....sigh...

Busy time of the year...tough decisions being made on the benefits for the company....it is heart breaking...however my employees will be mad but they don't see the real reasons that the cost is diven by. They will blame Obama...not the case people...please become educated...This world can be a scary place with so many uneducated people populating it.

Lunch is over....on to an afternoon filled with meetings and spreadsheets and telephone conferences...Oh my! :)
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Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Time:11:59 am.
I just finished reading entries I wrote back in 2000...I can't stop laughing. Did I really talk like that..LOL
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Thursday, October 25th, 2012

Time:2:27 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
My best friend got engaged....I am so very happy for her. It makes me smile everytime I think about it....

but deep deep down there is sadness that I push away constantly. A constant inner battle with myself. The alone feeling. I am the only one, no romantic companion in my life.

That stupid question they ask you all througout your school career...where do you see yourself in ten years. Sure the hell not where I am standing now.

The butterfly affect is a crazy theory...but constant reminder in my life.


Rooting for my Tigers tonight. Hopefully not as painful like last nights game.
Still coughing..nagging. 2 weeks of cough drops and cough medicine.

Busy work life - benefits, a glowing review from my boss, and spreadsheets that are never ending.

Work, books, and snuggles with my little man are the only way I can escape my mind.

Pumpkin carving contest with my family this weekend. Look out Jacob and I are going to win with our pirate!
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Thursday, September 20th, 2012

Time:12:13 pm.
Well fall is here and I love it! - However I do not like the work load that comes with this time of year....benefits beneftis benefits....sigh...

This week is closing up rather nicely...today is filled with interviews and meetings. Tomorrow will be orienation and more meetings....then dinner with my lovely lady friends. Looking forward to some much needed time.

Saturday -- wedding day for my cousin...not looking forward to the drive to Commerance MI..but I have cute shoes to wear so I guess that makes it better...

Sunday is relaxing to the max and practicing writing the letter A with Jacob....he is anti-writing...so frustrating. I feel like I need to bribe him to get him to concentrate long enough...last night I told me he couldn't make dog biscuits for Sophie if he didn't practice one page while I was making dinner...it worked...he helped and was covered in flour. I hope Sophie likes them...haha.

I have a cold sore in my mouth...annoying...and irrelvant fact.
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Friday, September 7th, 2012

Time:11:12 am.
gaining gaining and more gaining....I have ballooned up again in weight and I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with myself again.. All I do is want to eat...too much stress in my life which forces me to eat and eat and eat junk. By the time I get home I am to tired to cook dinner I just want to enjoy my time with Jacob so I eat fast food or junk processed food.

I have been exercising and running I just don't feel a change for feel better......Stress needs to go away because it is just making it worse....
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Thursday, September 6th, 2012

Time:10:23 am.
Successful completion of Jacob's first day of school. I did shed some tears but not until I got in the car after dropping him off. Only becuase after I got out of the classroom and started walking away I turned back and saw him standing there in tears.....

However the teacher informed me that he only cried for 5 minutes then he was fine. Which made me feel better. He seemed excited later on in the evening when telling me about it...but he also informed me that he was done with school and didn't want to go back.

This morning however he was ready to go back and today is his off day.

Here is to hoping that as the weeks go on he learns to love it.
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Thursday, August 30th, 2012

Time:2:46 pm.
Mood: anxious.
anxiety running high. Yesterday Jacob met his teacher....and even though I was there it was a very nerve racking experience for him and the look on his face was like what are you making me do mom...it just broke my heart into a thousand pieces and I don't know how I am going to handle next week wednesday dropping him at the classroom and leaving. I know it is for only two hours and it is obviously that right thing and important thing to do for him....but it breaks my heart. It also pains me that I can not drop off and pick him up from school.
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Tuesday, August 21st, 2012

Time:9:58 am.
Mood: geeky.
It's been so long since I have been on this...and for the life of me could not remember my login...I kept adding a 3.

Going back and reading old posts makes me feel so old, guess I really was care-free at some point in my life. And it makes me laugh it the things we thought were drama back in the day.

Last night I had a doctors appointment.....believed to have a stress fracture in my foot. How will I ever run this 5k that I am setting for a goal....lets hope no cast is needed..

In other news, I have the onset of anxiety disorder.

Wish my brain would shut off sometimes.
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Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

Time:9:18 am.
Hates every minute of this feeling....
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Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Time:11:54 am.
I for once am thinking about myself. You walked out of our life so easily for a month and then came back like nothing happened. It hurt to bad this time. I made the choice and I for once actually voiced it to you. " I need to concentrate on me for awhile" I need to make myself strong again, I constantly am telling myself that I am not good enough. I may regret it but right now I don't, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I deserve better, and my little one deserves the world, even if I have to give it to him by himself.

I am ready to be with someone who wants to be with my and help me raise my son. Not just when it is convienent for them. I want someone to spend more than 3 times a month with me, and I want someone to tell about my day whether it is good or bad.

This relationship - if that is what you want to call it, is taking a toll on my both mentally and physically and I am much better than that. I guess I told myself that something was better than nothing even if it was awful. Not true and not worth it.

I have an amazing son, who brightens my day just back walking in the room, with his dot dots and goofy faces. I have wonderful friends who have been their for me and have put me back together when I was broken. Who constantly bring laughter to my life.

So, no I don't need you. I am stronger than this. and I will be okay.
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LiveJournal for Everything interesting begins in the mind.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.