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Monday, December 14th, 2009
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I can't deal with this. I have thrown myself into work and projects around the house...but in a week I will be on vacation and the projects will eventually come to an end - then that leaves me alone - it is the worst at night after the baby is asleep because that is when my mind goes in a million different directions with nothing to distract it. sleepless nights are mounting again.
I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could just be angry instead of crying all the time.
I wish you could feel the pain that I do right now.
new years will be spent at home - I usually look forward to new years. It is my favorite time of the year. a time to start over- not erease everything but a chance to change. But this year that feeling just is not there.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
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I am convinced that becoming a mother as made me holiday insane...decorations are up, shopping is done, and christmas cookies are already planned and ready to go.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 30th, 2009
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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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Wonderful weekend. I think there should be more just like it!
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
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It took all my strength to not answer the phone first thing this morning when you called - I am not ready for that step.
It is so sad to see the trees with out leaves on them already.
November for me marks the beginning of the holiday seasons to come..and I am looking forward to the holidays this year. I am also looking forward to taking almost two weeks off at the end of December.
Attempting to make homemade stuffing this year. My love for cooking is growing and I think a dinner party is needed soon.
I can't focus this week at all.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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As discussed on Friday I only update this thing when I am upset about something..it is true I guess it is the only time I need to vent things that are upsetting me. and it is usually at the point when I am about to break.
The last couple of weeks have been pretty awful but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to be the strong person I used to be. I let five years tear down all these walls and now I feel so vulnerable to every little thing. I know the best thing to do is to walk away and not look back...but that is not so easy when there is another individual involved.
5 years is long time to put myself through this and I realize that this is not how a relationship should be. Slowly I think it was tearing me apart. and I just got to the breaking point. I am not the strong invidiual I used to be because I let myself get to deep into this. I know you love me - however I took a backseat in your life because I thought I could be okay with that. but emotionally that is not okay for me to do to myself. It turns out you became more important in my life than I was in yours. and I am fighting a battle I will never win. So as hard as this is going to be I need to close this chapter in my life. I have grown as a person..but I have also cried too many tears and I am walking away with a broken heart that will take time to mend but I have the sweetest little boy and the greatest friends to get me through this time. and one day I will be that strong, happy person I used to be.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 29th, 2009
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Thank goodness it is Thursday. Last day of the work week, this week as been crazy busy and I can't wait to enjoy the weekend ahead.
Though I am dreading tonights decision making session. It is going to be a heartbreaker I know it. But I have you to get through this with no matter the decision that is made.
I need to make cupcakes for tomorrow night. I need to get cracking on what kind I should bring. Suggestions? I am going to browse around online at lunchtime to get ideas.
Well time to get this day started.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 26th, 2009
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There comes a point when you feel so much more grown up then you did when you look back at the past. I just had this realization recently and I wonder if I would still be running in circles if I did not have my wonderful son to tear me from what was a terrible terrible cycle I was stuck in.
I appreciate things alot more than I did before - I realized how selfish I was.
I decided to take it one day at a time when it comes to my relationship situation. I realize that I created situations in my mind and blew them out of control and into something that wasn't even how it was. I created a monster within myself destroying all close and very few relationships I did have in my life. I miss them.
So when you call just to say good morning - I will be content with that. I will be content with "stay by the phone" - when in all reality that means you will not be calling me back. But I have come to learn that definition just like several others that orginally had a different meaning to me.
A compromise I guess.
I don't know - This is not where I expected my life to be - 10 years ago. this is not what I had thought. the butterfly effect constantly comes to mind when I think what if......but what if will never happen. You can't erase time or change the past. It has created who you are today. and today I am happy....maybe not the happiest that I thought I would be - but happy. but my definition of happiness I guess has changed as well...
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, August 17th, 2009
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Life is so much more amazing without you. You will never change and I see that now. I hope your happy because I am.......
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
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It really wasn't has hard as I thought it was going to be - maybe I am all cried out..maybe it just got old and I realized that is not the way someone who says they love me should treat me.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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I have had a headache for a week - is that even possible.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Its good - it may not be the best. But he makes me happy and probably always will. I can't obsess about it any longer - it is what it is. Things may not always be perfect and perfect to me maybe just to hard to accomplish so I will take it as it is because that is when I am the happiest.
It is screaming and fighting and kissing...
And it’s 2am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I love you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I love you
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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A very faint gleam of hope - but I am going to hold on to it. more to come on this.
You didn't want to walk away because you didn't want to look like the bad guy so you treated me the worst you could think of - and time after time I stuck around because 4 years is along time to be with someone - to fall in love with someone. You put me to the point were I was the one who wanted to walk away - who had to walk away in order to get my life back. In order to not cry my eyes out everynight.
and I believed you time and time again...such a fool.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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I am going to go back to school. I need to do this. and now is the time to do it.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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24 hours total between two people. for 90 days. Will I survive. I have to. It will be very difficult. I need this weekend to get here.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Pretty much loves today despite the rain. Pretty much loves the fact that things might be okay for once.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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I wish I had insight of what the future held for me. I am really sick of running around in circles standing in one place. It is the same thing over and over. Same arguments over and over. Same apology only now it has no meaning. I am pretty sure the I love you is now empty.
Basic is safe. Basic doesn't get me judged - or questioned. So that is why I don't venture from what has been for 4 plus years.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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kappaccino's journal